Poetry: ..the monsters limits..

By Monica C. Voskakmp

 

They were constricting.

Constricting faster than her heart could beat.

All this anxiety,

All this fear,

Constricting her very life beat.

 

Thoughts consuming,

Worries building.

Always ever only constricting her ability

To live, thrive and breathe.

 

Fear kept tightening its chains

Round her weary body.

Worry kept sucking the life light

Out of her soul.

 

What could she do with

Such masterminds of destruction?

How could she fight these

Monsters of demanding restriction?

 

She was weary of the fight,

Weary of the chase for greater things.

She trembled at the thought,

Perhaps the light of peace was a mere breathe,

Fading in the wind.

 

Chasing chasing, ever chasing a mind dream,

While constricting, constricting kept on happening.

 

No more fighting.

She couldn’t keep fighting,

this immense storm of insanity.

She could no longer deny

The monsters invading, overtaking.

 

Time to stop, look them in the eye

Tell them honestly who and what they are.

Tell them: they are NOT me.

 

They are NOT my masters.

They can only pretend, only threaten,

But their power is much less than she,

Their power is much less than she believed.

 

She tells herself anew,

I am me.

Perfectly flawed beautiful intelligent me.

I have a sunlight power to break free.

These monsters do not own me.

These monsters only can scare me

And lie that they are the king of me.

 

It’s time to stop resisting.

It’s time to start living

And working with every side of reality.

 

Monsters are real. Monsters can terrify.

But I am also a key part in reality.

I have the right to define

Who is me.

 

I’m am always me. Always me.

The life light in me remains far past the day I die,

My life light shines into eternity.

 

When I look here,

Into the hollow eyes of my monsters,

I look pointblank honestly.

And as I brave lock holding their eyes,

I find a new possibility.

My opportunity to see.

 

My limits are only what I choose to be.

My limits are only stopped by my own timidity.

My limits are really not limited.

My fears must be.

Always hope. Always believe. Always love. ❤

 

*Photo Credit: Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

Poetry: ..Beautiful Madness..

By Monica C. Voskamp

 

It was a kaleidoscope.

Everywhere she looked

Things were both beautiful yet skewed.

She couldn’t make sense of the picture she saw,

Yet somehow it was still so beautiful.

 

Hours ran into days,

Days into months.

Time was just a blurred run away train.

Yet time was also slipping fast,

Moments were rushing through her fingers

That she could never have back.

 

Yet she was stuck in a kaleidoscopic world

Mesmerized by the glow of beautiful chaos.

The colors of life swirled intensely so

Her mind couldn’t comprehend

What was unfolding fast.

 

But for some reason she still held

That Kaleidoscope lens to her eyes.

Her grasp on chaos was firm

Like it was her last breath in life.

 

Hanging onto chaos had become her anchor

Because she feared if she dared to pause

And look outside of her kaleidoscopic lens

Reality would hit her hard.

Maybe even break her down.

And she wasn’t so sure

She was strong enough for that.

 

Better to be lost in the kaleidoscopic world,

She reasoned and live in beautiful madness

Than confront the building storm

Of her frightening reality.

 

Better the beautiful madness she reasoned,

Yet inside something was screaming,

This is treason.

 

Always hope. Always believe. Always love. ❤

 

*Photo Credits: Photo by Malcolm Lightbody on Unsplash

 

the Stress Bomb: Avoidance

By Monica C. Voskamp

What’s stopping you today? What ‘road block’  is standing in your way?

Fear? Dread? Guilt? Inadequacy?  Worry?

Those are feelings. While not actual physical road blocks, feelings can become invisible roadblocks to real life matters.  How the heck do you get around these things??

I tend to be an emotional creature :D–raise your hand if you’re with me. 😉 While it has its perks, it can really be a nuisance when I make emotion-based decisions. I get stuck and can’t think of a different approach, because all I see are my ‘roadblocks’, aka, feelings.

 

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Photo by Scott Stephens on Unsplash

Its like this deer standing on the road, and I’m on the road with him, paralyzed in fear. Because you know, this thing could charge me and then I’d be all suffering and dying.  Worst case scenario thinker here. 😛  But, really, there are plenty of ways to deal with a “deer in your tracks”..and I mean deal with it nicely. 😉

Feelings can stop us. It’s annoying and really quite ridiculous, but  it’s a real struggle.

The most simple task can halt me, not because of the task itself but because how I FEEL about the task.

For example, I had to recently update changes for work. All it took was an email. An EMAIL.  Something in my mind was dreading sitting down and getting the wording right. Yes, seriously that was my roadblock.

So I did some great problem solving…I procrastinated. :/ Then I felt guilty I hadn’t done it sooner.  My subconscious was like nope, let’s choose to ignore this email. (Great strategy eh?)

On my white board, I have a to-do list.  I tend to pick what I enjoy first rather than what needs most attention. (I avoid those like the plague!) And just like that, a stress bomb is in the making.

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Instead of tackling the priorities, as the list whittles down, I keep adding more things &  doing new ‘to-do’s.’

I’m in avoidance mode.

Eventually, I do the dreaded task. But by then, the stress bomb has gone off. Chaotic feelings are maxed. (& sometimes there are other consequences because of my avoidance.)

My brother pointed out I spent my weekend focused on the wrong thing… low key priorities. (I was complaining to him about my stressors.) Although I had a list and was checking things off, I was going about it in the wrong way.

I wasn’t prioritizing.

After our phone conversation, I walked over to my white board and circled all the top priorities. I spent yesterday and today working on them. 🙂 You know how rewarding it was to wipe the top priorities off my board?!  I was high on accomplishment feels. 😉

The email I had been avoiding the past week and a half, I faced today. I had ample time and told myself to do it before anything else. But what did I do? I still stalled. I chose to mop the floor first. (NOT even on the list..sheesh.)  That my folks is avoidance at its finest…resorting to house cleaning, lol.

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Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

 

I’m sure someone can relate with me though. This struggle is real: Avoid things that stir up ‘negative’ feelings.

Once I sat down at my laptop, it was all good. It seriously took me all of 5 minutes to write the email. I had avoided a 5 minute task for a whooping 15, 840 minutes (11 days!)

My brother’s latest advise: Just see whatever you need to do as business, a transaction.  He’s suggested to take my feelings out of the equation and go about what I needed to do. It’s like swiping your debit card. Keep it simple. 😉

Worry. Fear. Guilt. Inadequacy. You name it. Feelings are able to halt us, not only in doing tasks, but in life long goals. If I have trouble tackling a small ‘intimidation’ how will I ever do the dreams I *want* but scare me?

Sad truth is, I won’t see those dreams.  Ever. 😦

By navigating through these small roadblocks, I am actually building a bridge to meet my bigger goals and dreams.

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Photo by Michael Heuser on Unsplash

One day my dream of writing a book, traveling to Ireland, getting my own house..and more…will actually happen. By confronting the little hiccups in my now, I’m building the skills to take on goals and dreams that feel beyond me.

Truth is, dreams start taking shape long before they even happen. Healthy confrontation, in mastering what daunts me on a small level now, equips me for greater feats in my future.

What are your fears? What are things stopping you? What are your dreams? What is *one thing* you can do today that will get you closer to dreams becoming reality?

Dreams are possible if we simply begin to reach.  So go ahead and reach with me. 🙂

Always love. Always hope. And always believe miracles happen. ❤

 

 

 

Rethinking: Push Delete on Reality

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By Monica C. Voskamp

Do you know how many pictures I deleted when I was the ‘Big Me’? Too many. I cringe as I think of one picture summer 2012. Of course it was summer, at the beach. I had bought a workout shirt for a swim top, donned a bright pink top, and then wore my plus 20 Old Navy capris. I wore ALL that to the beach, and tried to avoid the camera.

There were a few pictures taken of me walking with my little niece and sister. I regret deleting those pictures.

I didn’t delete them because they were horrible memories (No, those are reserved for the Ex’s. 😉 )  I deleted the pictures with me because all I saw was a whale of me, fat me, detestable me. My head impulsively turns away and stomach churns at the memory.  That’s all I saw: an image I detested & was embarrassed by. It was a reflection of what I wished I literally could do to myself.

The beach day memory was great. My sister and I were helping my little niece learn to walk. We were all smiling and my niece certain wasn’t cringing at me. Odd thought, she was enjoying being with her Aunt. No judgement was there, she had adoring love and acceptance of all of me. ❤

I was commenting to my brother today it was significant to accept and embrace the beauty of where I was in the moment. It was somewhere between 248lbs and 150lbs. Maybe in the 220’s? I know…getting to the specifics here. 😉  Around then,  I started celebrating and enjoying where I was at, even though I hadn’t arrived at my ‘final destination.’

I was still in the doctor’s obese category, but I had entered a new category in my mind. The beauty of enjoying acceptance.  Of me.

Isn’t that something? Imagine if, right now, in whatever crazy painful tailspin in your life, you were able to enjoy your now in spite of that specific area. Everyone has at least one area that they desperately wish was different.  Mine has always easily been health related…but ha, I could easily make that list longer.

When I stopped striving to be somewhere I could NOT possibly be today or even next month, something happened. In fact, I didn’t know the “when”…(yes, talk about freak out mode!)

When I stopped my desperate stressing to be in an unknown future place,  I started arriving in my now.  More so, I started thriving in my now.

Yes, things were still messy and as my one friend would phrase it…a sh*tstorm. It was still raining crap. I was still flubbing up, having binge eating episodes, and huffing around in a large body. That wasn’t changing in a hurry; however, I started to celebrate my daily growth and accept me for where I was. That was, is a freedom act. It was relieving.

It is so easy, tempting to push delete on life’s difficult situations. It’s natural to want to escape the chaos. I know. Who doesn’t want to elude pain, turmoil, trauma, stress?! But, pushing delete does not make reality go away.

‘Pushing delete’ is denying reality and living in fear of the now.

If I could’ve, would’ve paused and looked at the picture a little longer, I would’ve seen more than just ME and my painful reality.  I would’ve seen my nieces delight in walking between her sister and me, her aunt. I would’ve seen her chubby little fingers clinging onto mine. I was helping a little human being learn how to walk her first steps! How awesome is that. 🙂

I could’ve acknowledged:

Yes, I’m not yet where I want to be, but in my here, there is something still valuable for me.

  At that time I wasn’t looking for more; I was tunnel-visioned into the depressing state of me.

If you are wishing you could push delete on an area in your life. It’s understandable. My hope is you acknowledge your area is there, you don’t check out and you see something of value. There is something more in your picture too.

It’s okay to not have yet arrived; you are here.

In the arriving of now, you will start thriving more. I also think this ‘arriving in the now’ prepares you to hold the greatness ahead of you.

When you don’t hit delete and allow yourself to see differently, you gain something of value. Try it and see. 🙂

Always believe. Always have hope. And most of all, always love, because love will always be. ❤