Ever want to just escape? All the emotion. All that’s hidden in you? All that’s exposed of you?
That’s how I felt this week. Writing about rape this week was like an emotional unlocking. Unlocking of images I wished I could hide. Memories and moments, I want to deny. People, I wish I could erase from my reality. Abuse, I wish wasn’t part of my story.
Everything in me wanted, wants to run, to hide so far away. This week I longed for the ocean, for a hiding place. I wanted to swim all by myself somewhere far away. Somewhere safe. With the men that have mistreated me, I don’t feel safe. With ordinary men, I’m afraid.
The rapist held me as I cried, and its all so skewed. Those arms have been one of few hugs, I’ve been vulnerable to and pegged wrongly as a place of safe. My heart is torn. I want to escape, but where, where O God, is safe?