Poetry: the answers.

By Monica C. Voskamp

 

the answers

continue to elude me.

time and time again.

I’m a long time searcher.

I’m a weary searcher.

I’m tired of not finding

the answers.

 

I’m tired of trying on ways.

I’m tired of what doesn’t work.

 

Its so empty.

So shallow.

Just doing good things.

Just doing religious things.

It’s disappointed me.

It’s wounded me.

I’m hesitant to ever

try walk that road again.

 

But my spirit keeps wanting to search.

It’s yearning for answers.

Answers that continue

to elude me, again and again.

 

Is there really a heaven and hell?

Is there really a man named Jesus,

And a God whose authority

Governs our souls destiny,

as heaven or hell.

 

Is it this brutal?

I’m damned to hell

if I don’t get it right

here on earth.

 

I already know I’m not perfect.

I already know I’ve tried.

I’ve given up the perfect life.

It doesn’t work.

It does NOT work.

 

I’ve seen people pretend.

I’ve pretended  too.

Again and again.

It is too tiring.

And I can’t understand

why people keep trying

to pretend perfection.

It’s futile.

 

My soul is in a search.

A search of something

I was suppose to receive

from church.

Maybe I misunderstood.

I definitely didn’t get the right message.

I didn’t get the message of life,

Of peace, of eternal good.

 

No. I’m living a message

of lies, fear, shame, guilt,

despair and so much condemning.

Where is the hope in that?

Seriously, there is NO hope in that.

 

I don’t believe the church.

Maybe because I’ve been hurt and lied to.

I’ve been shown life is to be sought after

but never attained.

I’ve tried for 3 decades and more,

to live a good church life.

It didn’t work.

 

I’m unfulfilled.

I’m dissatisfied.

Where is the love?

Where is the good news

I was promised?

I’m looking for this.

And hope to God,

I find it.

 

I’m looking outside of church steeples,

I’m looking beyond the church peoples.

I’m looking in the faces of everyone

on this universe.

I’m seeing if they have the answers

to all this inner madness.

 

I’m tired of the religious game.

I can’t play anymore.

I’ve stepped outside that square,

Yet its left me feeling a little

unsure.

 

How do I navigate life?

Is there an afterlife?

What is the purpose of life?

Where is the meaning?

How does Jesus give hope?

Is there a Jesus?

 

Maybe I’m searching too hard.

Maybe love will come find me.

I can only hope…

 

I’m tired of pursuing, chasing the wind

Chasing Christianity.

I’m sad that it hasn’t held the answers for me.

 

I’m looking for something more.

Something beyond a theology.

I’m looking for what’s real.

I’m looking for what’s been hidden,

Authenticity.

 

I’m looking for the face of love.

Maybe I’ll find my answers of the Divine,

Maybe I’ll find the answers

One puzzle piece at a time.

 

*Featured image credits: Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

Always hope. Always believe. Always love will be. ❤

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