Day #4 Love Series: the Gift in your Hands.

By Monica C. Voskamp

Love is not jealous.

We all want a fairy tale life. Or at least I like the sound of it. 🙂 I loved Disney movies, still do. There’s something so sweet as all the ugly turning around to joyous beauty.

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Photo by Church of the King on Unsplash

Maybe thats the plot of our lives too, all the messy, pain, injustice, wrongs…will one day be right and beautiful. Then, we’ll be able to sing our own sentimental Disney song.

But in this place the Disney climax is not, where everything you hoped for is not,  I’ve met an extra ugly. I’ve encountered jealousy. I hate admitting it: I struggle with envy.

While on one hand I’m happy for others, there’s a part of me that can get jealous. I wish I had the health I see my incredible sisters have. I watch them achieve so much, and wish I could scale those types of mountains too.

I see their beautiful children. They are the most precious gems on earth–I know I’m bias, but my nephews and nieces are this beautiful galaxy of their own. I love them.

I see friends enter relationships and marry. I long to have a man adore me and be star-stuck with each other…enter Disney. 🙂 I watch my friends glow in love and wrestle with  marriage. It may be silly, but I wish I could have a healthy argument with my own man…because that means we’re together. We’re together to make up and forge through this life with its joys and heartaches.

I long for that first experience of holding my own newborn heart to heart.  I even wish I had the frustrations I read about…  children messing up the house in a crazy fashion and testing parent’s patience levels. 😉 I know–I’m a weird wisher.

I see the teachers in my family impacting this world in such incredible ways. When I was in grade 2, I made up my little mind and thought: I’m going to be a teacher when I grow up, a kindergarten teacher. I still have this crazy longing to be surrounded by 25 little kids and teaching them all the wonders of this world, watching them explore, discover, struggle and grow. I wanted to be part of that process. I want to make a BIG impact and have my time on this world be life-changing for people. Especially little people. 🙂 ❤

But I’m not able to be the person I had pictured in my head. At least not now. I don’t have the greatest health in the world. Unfortunately, I can tunnel vision on that limit.

The past 12 years of my health taking a radical change has also opened an inner war: Envy. I don’t want to admit this AT ALL. (Shaking my head here.) But I am jealous. It makes my heart sad to see what I don’t have.

I had this number in my mind: 35. I thought by the time I was thirty-five, I’d be married. It was kinda a goal in my head I figured WAS going to happen. But, birthday #35 is just around the corner.

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Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

I don’t have this in my hands right now. Literally, I don’t have a ring on my finger or wedding planned. Lol, need I mention a man?

I know… I can still get married after I turn 35, and love doesn’t have an age limit. I can still experience things that seem out of reach. Problem is, I can start to think I’m missing out.

I don’t want to be envious, its not going to help me get what I desire.  It robs not only me, but the ones I envy.  I’m sure they have their own storehouse of things they wish they had.

To live non-jealous, this is difficult for me. I’ve been avoiding this post in this Love Series. I did *not* want to write about envy. Maybe because it’s openly admitting I’m envious. I have a problem & want to deal with it.

So if I subtract envy…then what should I possess instead? And, how do I not be envious?

I was running last night and I saw a girl out walking. She suddenly made me think what envy is not. She was a former glimpse of myself, body wise. She had extra weight on her; it was clearly a struggle to do a fast paced walk, but she had this fierce look of determination.

I suddenly remembered me when I was 230’s pounds and more.

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When I was my own exercising beauty in the 200 pound category.

Back then I began to celebrate where I was. I stopped focusing on the body I didn’t have. I took my 10 minute walk each day and celebrated my now. I was still obese yes, but I was proud of the gift I was giving myself.

I think envy fades when I celebrate the joyous beauty in my hands right now. It’s not waiting for a happy ending, but savoring today’s joys.

Jealousy sees only what it doesn’t have and is never satisfied. Jealousy misses seeing what it DOES have. It robs one’s eyes to see the richness of the now.

Love is fulfilled with the cupful of gifts in today.

Love is satisfied and delighted in what it DOES have.

It sees itself richly blessed,

not deprived.

If I count all gifts I DO have in my life, I smile. It makes my heart lighter. It makes me see  incredible gifts ARE in my life. The changing power is how I see what’s within my hands.

Envy leaves no room for enjoyment. It robs not only your spirit, but your physical health.

Envy robs relationships, because envy doesn’t accept another person where they are. Envy can’t handle another’s goodness, because it has rejected it’s own goodness.

Envy, jealousy drains a person’s well dry.  Really, my well only appears dry when I look at others and see their water wells wrongly. That envious look dries up the overflowing water in my well.

Love delights in the wealth of this moment. It’s contented and does not want more. Love is not jealous.

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Photo by Almos Bechtold on Unsplash
Always love. Always believe. Always hope in these three. ❤

 

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