By Monica C. Voskamp
Pain…it blurs out so much of life.
Pain, this enemy of mine, is a beast, an awful experience in time.
It is defined medically by many things,
But mostly, it is known as Pain.
Pain. 4 little letters do not define what I deal with today.
Pain stops the clock in life,
Dictates the places I go, the people I see, the things I do.
Pain is a cruel master that says
Your plans are not happening
It knows too well, the things I’ve tried.
The list of medications, of natural remedies,
The diets, the spiritual pleas for
Some unachievable miracle.
It scoffs me with its reality.
I don’t handle this too well,
But I do my best to keep it from stealing me.
I do my best to still live *me*.
I can’t let pain redefine the person I still am.
But truth still is,
Pain halts my dreams, my plans, my wishful thinking,
Pain rewrites the desires of my day.
Some days are better,
Some days are worst.
Some things help alleviate,
And sometimes wonderfully,
Pain becomes a faint voice in the background
There is a brief hope I’ve escaped.
But pain says No. No. and No.
I’m part of your story. I’m here to stay.
I’ll always be lingering.
I know it’s a depressing read,
But its the truth of me, and soo many others struggling.
Often times I’m simply not expressing (my pain.)
I’m treasuring the moments I can
To try allude the reality of pain.
I’m doing my best to listen to my friends,
To spend time with family,
To work hard and make money,
To let my loved ones know
They mean so much to me,
To try achieve my dreams
And believe they can be a possibility.
It always has a say in my story.
It limits me.
I can’t deny it, though I do my d*mm best to hide and overrule it.
Pain. I tell you this, you are not my name.
You’re part of my journey.
I don’ know if you will every become a ghost of my past,
Or if I’ll have to wait till eternity to finally be free.
But I tell myself and I tell pain:
There’s a higher calling, something more beautiful and stronger,
Laid out for me.
I will not let pain be what makes me give up.
Or be what people only know of me.
I will allow in all the light, love, and music in life I can.
I will hold myself accountable to say :
Pain is not my name or destiny.
I’m something, someone more.
And I will fight to find and be that,
Pain. I’m tired of you.
Its been more than a dozen years of chronic daily strugglings.
But pain, if you won’t leave, I will show you my trump cards:
I won’t cop out and extinguish me.
I will believe love’s power is greater than anything.
Love will hold me when I cannot see the light,
Love will tell me to believe I’m more than
Anything you say I am or am not.
Love will be my saving grace to my dying day.
It will help me experience and still live life
In the fullest measure I can.
Love will help me prove,
Pain isn’t the definer of me.
One day you beast, pain, will be tamed and no more.
Love’s power will eradicate everything, everything,
Love will keep and shelter me.
It will be my faithful companion as I also live with you, pain.